Among friends, I'm the resident "computer expert." Bear in mind that this says more about my friends' technological abilities than it does about my own. My only technological advantage is that my dad has been working with computers since they were babies but the size of double wide trailers. (Indeed the computer is one of the few things on Earth to grow smaller as it grows older.) Because of daddy's profession, I was probably one of the first kids in America to have a personal computer and know how to use it. At a shockingly young age I knew the highly complex DOS formula that made a Christmas Tree out of the letter "x." Needless to say, this knowledge made me very, very popular.

But I digress . . .

About a month or two ago, lw and ef helped me invent my very own tech-based company called "Snakes on a Computer" (in homage to the new Samuel L. Jackson film, "Snakes on a Plane"). "Snakes on a Computer" is a fledgling, one-woman operation . . . and right now, I've largely been working pro-bono. Why, just last month, I spent five hours not helping lw with her new Mac. And last week, I spent half an hour setting up cf's computer in her new apartment, making sure that the printer didn't work. "Snakes on a Computer" is off to a fantastic start! Buy stock now!

Sometimes, "Snakes on a Computer" helps itself. For example, today I decided to finally fix that ten-year-old laptop I bought off Ebay three years ago. Before "Snakes on a Computer" took hold of the antiquated notebook, it didn't even register the letter "S." Now, when you strike the "S" key, it reboots the system!

Because "Snakes on a Computer" is a new company, I will (free of charge) share some lessons learned or (in techie speak) troubleshooting advice.

1. Unless you have a time machine, there's no unspilling that Margarita all over the keyboard.

2. Contrary to popular belief, you cannot punch a virus from the computer's hard drive. It's true the tower will stop making that horrible metallic screeching noise when it is tipped at a 60 degree angle, but it doesn't mean the virus is gone.

3. Nothing can be saved on to the monitor.

4. Removing the "ESC" button from the laptop's keyboard does nothing but disable you from ever using the "ESC" button again.

5. All the excruciating regret in the world will not un-send that drunken email message to your boss.

Consider yourself warned.

Link of the day: THIS.